25 Years Later…

I stood there watching him over the casket as he lay there still. He was at peace, that is all I could have ever asked for. My heart skipped many beats, at times I felt the beating in every part of my body except where it belonged. At times I couldn’t catch my breath and I thought I was going to fall over. I wanted to just jump in there with him and let my soul die with his, I knew I’d get through this and I knew I had a life to live even though it would now be without him. It will take many times over to get to that place. If it even exists. The pain was overbearing as our children stood there and watched their mother fall a part in silence. I kept pinching myself thinking this was a horrible nightmare and I was soon to wake up with him next to me. I could have pinched myself until I bled, there was no waking up from this. This was all happening and it all just happened too soon. I knew the day would come. What I didn’t know is what was to come next…

The funeral was over. It was a cool, crisp and very sunny Saturday as I sit here watching the rays of sunshine hit the most profound places. The trees were starting to turn beautiful shades of fall colors and the air smelled of burning wood from all parts of the neighborhood.  It was as if he were trying to catch my attention already. He was giving me signs, knowing this was our favorite time of year together. The trees over the glistening of the lake were just stunning. Picture perfect. This was our most favorite time of the year and we looked forward to it all year round. With each sip of coffee I took, I realized my life would never be the same again. There was something missing, a void next to me and in my heart. Here I am. Single again, wondering where everything had gone so terribly wrong. The cancer showed up so quickly and took him even quicker. My heart was shattered into a zillion pieces. This was one loss that I hadn’t gotten a clue how I was going to get through. Losing the love of my life, once again. I was left to pick up all of the pieces alone. This time I was really alone. Our children were grown and settled into their own lives. Although they came home often enough, everything was just so different now. They had their own lives and I now had mine. I had so much to figure out. Nothing needed to be figured out yet. It was too soon and I knew I had to give myself time to heal.

With everything that has happened in my life I had this burning ache in my soul that kept telling me it was time for a change. Something big. It was time for me to now live my own dreams and start to truly make them happen. The wonderful years that I have spent raising my children were the best years of my life. Meeting the love of my life all over again and spending these last 25 years with him was truly amazing. It was a gift that was given to me and one that I will cherish forever. It’s time to focus on me now. It’s time to build a new life for myself and see where my journey takes me. I took a breath.

There was a knock at my door. I knew my children were all busy and I couldn’t imagine who it could be. I set my coffee aside and quickly went to go see who it was. I looked out and saw a woman standing there with a box. I slowly opened the door and I recognized her smile. I didn’t recognize her smile within her, but it was from somewhere else, someone else.  A smile that I had the pleasure of seeing over the last 25 years. The crook of her mouth was exactly like his. The warmth of her eyes mimicked his. It was like I was looking at him in that moment. Tears filled up into the corners of my eyes. My heart raced a bit and the chills that went through my body were nothing like I have ever felt before. I just stood there and stared at her. I knew who she was, yet I didn’t know a thing about her. Nothing. There was never a name mentioned nor any significance who she might be. I just knew.

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