I froze in that moment as I was staring at my baby girl not knowing what to say. “We are old friends, he said.” I looked at him and smiled. I quickly changed the subject and watched as he helped her with the tangled line. Slowly but surely all of the other children made their way over. This is an old friend of Momma’s; she said to her brothers. They smiled and carried on with casting their lines into the deep lake water. In that moment I felt like I was in a dream. I was waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up, snap me back to reality. No one was coming to save me now. The only one to decide which way this was heading was me. I was still undecided. There’s one thing I did know for sure, I wasn’t letting him get away again. He hit it off with the kids right away. I caught glimpses of him smiling back at me from time to time and the butterflies in my stomach reappeared. The same ones I always felt as a teenager. I felt like a teenager all over again. The only difference was it’s years later and there’s children involved now. Children that just recently lost their father.

Everyone was starving and it was getting late. He suggested we go to the diner to grab dinner so I didn’t have to worry about cooking  when I got home. He was thinking like a Dad, I liked that. No, No, No…. stop those thoughts! Let’s not get ahead of things here. We started packing everything up and the children were very excited as they started telling him about our chicken coup and Vishnu. They told him Vishnu was their Dad’s messenger guide. Of course, he looked at me with confusion and moments later he lit up. He knew exactly what it meant. He was always very spiritual, just like myself. There’s that smile again. The one that brought me to my knees. The smile that lit up my world no matter where we were. The smile that made my heart want to jump out of my chest. Feelings were creeping back in again, I felt them. We have to take this slow, I whispered, as we were walking to our cars. I’ll meet you there. We drove off separately about to have our first meal together as very close friends.

The ride to the diner was interesting. Of course they all had tons of questions and I managed to answer them with very little information. They were satisfied enough without getting all the details that I knew they were looking for. I mean, I didn’t blame them. A man suddenly pops into our lives and it’s not their father. I would have questions too. They are very young and they do not need to know everything. If things were to happen I will tell them more when they get older. Right now I am focused on building a friendship with him and we will see where it leads us. In the past we were best friends before we became completely un-separable. Things always flowed so easily with him when we were together. Our hearts were one, even at such a young age. We were together for five years. We had our life all planned out back then. Marriage, a house, kids; we really thought we were going to have it all. Life led us in a different direction at the time. And, here we are. I guess some things are meant to be and I guess everything really does happen for a reason. He was the love and light of my life. It was just too early in our lives for us back then. We were young. We were both looking for different things out of life. I wasn’t looking to be tied down. Saying good-bye to him was the absolute hardest thing in the world.

He arrived before us and had two tables ready for us. One for the kids and one for us. They were close enough together where it didn’t look like too much for the kids. And, I was able to keep an eye on them. I really didn’t want them to sense anything. Not yet at least. It made me really happy that he planned the seating that way. It made me feel like we were on the same page with things. We sat down across from one another, I took one look into his eyes and it was love at first sight all over again. As if there weren’t fifteen years in between us being a part. The kids were having fun coloring and making jokes amongst themselves. It turned out to be a really great evening. An evening that I felt in my heart was the beginning to many, many more.

We arrived home and he followed us. He wanted to make sure we got home safe. I told the kids to start getting themselves ready for bed and I’d be in in a few minutes. We sat outside on the porch for a bit and just sat there. I was numb. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. I looked in his direction and said, I have two very important questions to ask; How did you find me? Are you married? I was connected with your husband on facebook, he explained. My jaw dropped.I had no idea! I know he saw the expression on my face too, of pure and utter shock. We were talking for a while. He told me everything. It must have been really hard for you, I am so sorry. I knew he was sick for a long time. I was able to tell through his posts. He reached out to me a few days before he passed away and told me to keep an eye on you and his children. I sat there in silence after hearing this. I was trying to soak in the news that I had just received. The first thought that ran through my mind was that I had his blessing. Why else would he reach out to a man his wife was in love with many years ago. He knew. My own husband knew the love I had for this man sitting next to me all along. All these years and he had never said a word.  I wanted so badly to just kiss him right there and then. In that brief moment right before I was about to, Vishnu had arrived. This time he sat there and just stared at us. I made sure I explained he wasn’t going to hurt us and reminded him who Vishnu was. “I guess you have his blessing, he said.” I looked at him and said, “You still haven’t answered my second question.”

He kept steering away from the question for a while. Finally, I told him this friendship was never going to work if he cannot be honest with me. I needed to know what I was getting myself into. I couldn’t handle any more than what I already had going on. I left the conversation and went to check on the kids to see if they were okay and getting settled in for the night. “I’ll be back, make yourself comfortable. I’m going to check on the children.”  They were showered and laying in bed reading. I went on with our nightly routine. Day check in, I called out! That is what we call it. That’s where Momma gets to find out everything that went on inside their little minds during that day. We all snuggled in my bed for a few minutes. If I sensed one of them needed me privately I’d go in their room and lay with them and ask a bit more. “Momma, you never answered me. How do you know him?” I proceeded with, we were friends back in the day. “Did you love him?’ Yes, I did. It was a long time ago. In that moment I felt it was better for me to tell them and reassure them we were just friends. I am not sure what they will put together in their minds about the part where I loved him. Which, for now is the whole truth and nothing but. They were all okay with that and I tucked everyone in for the night.

I went back downstairs and the kitchen was cleaned up. Everything was put away and to my surprise he looked like he actually enjoyed it.  Cleaning up, that is, and making the space look cozy. He even lit my hand-made candles I had just picked up the other day from the farm. I smiled over at him and he came closer. Our eyes met. I felt the tears build up and I quickly took a breath and just lost myself in the moment. It’s as if all of my fears and uncertainty’s eased for a moment. This time in a way where there were no children around and I was able to soak up every ounce of what I truly felt. All of my feelings came rushing back in that very instant. I saw the look of lust in his eyes. That look where he just wanted to carry me to my bedroom and rip my clothes off. I felt the same way. He pulled me closer, our hearts beating as one. He wrapped his arms around me so tightly. I had chills running up and down my spine. I felt every part of me pulsating like a teenager in love all over again. I felt the heat coming off his body as he held me tighter and tighter. It was a rush that I knew all too well. “I have never stopped loving you. I never stopped thinking of you. He said softly as he whispered his words so close.” I felt the soft breath of his words send tingling messages down my spine. I wanted him so bad, I was aching in places I haven’t felt in a very long time. I stopped and gently pushed him away and looked at him with warmth and understanding. You still haven’t answered my question. We had to stop in the heat of the moment and get serious now, I needed to know. Our future depended on his answers to my questions. He looked deeply into my eyes and said, she passed away five years ago. She was never able to have children, so I have none. She was diagnosed with cancer six months after we were married. I took care of her all that time and refused to have anyone else care for her, even during her darkest days. There was never anyone else afterwards. It took me a couple years to heal through everything. It made me realize how precious life really is and how time truly is of the essence, which is why I couldn’t waste another day wondering where you are. I took my chances. I looked him deeply into his eyes and said, I don’t know where this will go. I don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want to lose you again. I do need to focus on my children and it’s not going to be easy for us. It’s not going to be easy for them. Understood, he said. We will take things slow, as slow as you’d like. I took him by the hand and led him outside. We sat there with tea and talked until the sun came up.

Until next time…

Love & Light, always!

Please follow and like: